Life on Earth Log 008 | Vulnerable When Idle
It's nice to be able to stop for a while and evaluate things.
The only reason I get to write anything is because we're at home because I'm having awful menstrual cramps. Needless to say we missed church today.
(By the way, the photo was taken last week when I got home from class. It's no good to take selfies while you're in pain.)
It's been hectic for more than a month now and there's a lot going on. I got a new part-time job. My husband is starting a new business. I'm taking graduate classes. We're moving... again. Tatay is in the hospital... again! Did I miss anything? I just turned 32 last week. Hubby's birthday is this week.
Last summer, we volunteered for Vacation Bible School. There was no guarantee I can get in the job I applied for. Just in case I get in, I decided I'll keep volunteering while I'm still available. Sana pwede parin ako next summer.
One Sunday in June, our Pastor called all students and teachers to the stage to pray for them. I was hesitant to come forward. I haven't actually enrolled in masters yet and there's no guarantee I'll be employed as a professor this coming semester. Hubby pushed me to the stage and so I went. To make the long story short, I am now teaching 4 subjects in an architecture college and also taking graduate studies in the weekend. With God nothing is impossible.
After that day, everything hit me like a splash of water to the face.
via GIPHY
I am happy, really, but also overwhelmed.
Things are happening at a pace I am not comfortable with.
Tatay is in the hospital again because of high fever and a seizure episode. The doctor said, according to his latest scan there's a high possibility that he had another stroke. He's been confined since Sunday. It worries us that his recovery is very slow. Nanay decided to take him to another hospital this time. Hopefully he'll get better care. Thankfully, Tatay has insurance, prayers being sent his way, and the most patient and the most dedicated wife in the world.
{ Responding to Stroke | The First Few Days }
Come to think of it, I haven't mourned for my dear Thirdy properly. I had a D&C last April 7. My husband and I were devastated. I'm more angry and numb than sad. It's just so unfair but negativity gets you nowhere, so we move on.
{ Diary of My Third Pregnancy (Part 6) }
Just when I thought I can be at peace accepting our latest loss, Okoy went to the rainbow bridge last April 27. Just 20 days apart. He was 8 years old when he passed away. Until now, I'm still putting off writing about what happened and how Okoy was actually my first furbaby treasure.
via GIPHY
Finally, the opportunity to teach college came and I took it. The process of applying for a job in the academe and enrolling for graduate studies effectively distracted me from depression. There's something to look forward to in the future aside from having kids. My husband and our families are very supportive of the career move. We might not consider having kids anymore but at least we're both educated and happy, and rich... hopefully.
Mourning can be a luxury especially when you have bills and debts to pay. We'll be debt-free someday. Tiwala lang.
But sometimes, no matter how busy you get, there are ways sadness still gets to you.
via GIPHY
People don't get it. People don't understand that strong people can be vulnerable too.
Just because I'm smiling most of the time doesn't mean I'm okay. I still venture to my darkest thoughts. Being busy working doesn't drive the grief away. Going to church and being an active participating member doesn't make depression go away. It's a complex problem with a complex solution. Being busy with anything is just a band-aid solution - a distraction. The moment you're idle, the pain is still there.
It doesn't help that some people are insensitive. There's really nothing we can do about them, except avoid them whenever possible. Try to keep your cool. Ignore.
Losing three babies and a dog, having a parent who is ill, and knowing people who are insensitive to what you are going through eventually takes its toll. We've been reading and studying the Bible and praying; never really distanced ourselves from church activities. I've gone through the fellowship-to-forget route but sadly that didn't help. Praying helps, but you have to cry first, and crying is exhausting. Maybe I should get some counseling. Can I afford it? Maybe not. We're saying goodbye to Apartment A. Maybe the new housing situation will help. Maybe all these new things keeping us busy will help numb the pain.
{ Another Year, Another Home : The Sinister Apartment A }
Just don't be idle, I tell myself.
via GIPHY
One Sunday in June, our Pastor called all students and teachers to the stage to pray for them. I was hesitant to come forward. I haven't actually enrolled in masters yet and there's no guarantee I'll be employed as a professor this coming semester. Hubby pushed me to the stage and so I went. To make the long story short, I am now teaching 4 subjects in an architecture college and also taking graduate studies in the weekend. With God nothing is impossible.
After that day, everything hit me like a splash of water to the face.
I am happy, really, but also overwhelmed.
Things are happening at a pace I am not comfortable with.
Tatay is in the hospital again because of high fever and a seizure episode. The doctor said, according to his latest scan there's a high possibility that he had another stroke. He's been confined since Sunday. It worries us that his recovery is very slow. Nanay decided to take him to another hospital this time. Hopefully he'll get better care. Thankfully, Tatay has insurance, prayers being sent his way, and the most patient and the most dedicated wife in the world.
{ Responding to Stroke | The First Few Days }
Come to think of it, I haven't mourned for my dear Thirdy properly. I had a D&C last April 7. My husband and I were devastated. I'm more angry and numb than sad. It's just so unfair but negativity gets you nowhere, so we move on.
{ Diary of My Third Pregnancy (Part 6) }
Just when I thought I can be at peace accepting our latest loss, Okoy went to the rainbow bridge last April 27. Just 20 days apart. He was 8 years old when he passed away. Until now, I'm still putting off writing about what happened and how Okoy was actually my first furbaby treasure.
That's how cruel life is, folks.
You know what can drown the sorrows away? Work!
Finally, the opportunity to teach college came and I took it. The process of applying for a job in the academe and enrolling for graduate studies effectively distracted me from depression. There's something to look forward to in the future aside from having kids. My husband and our families are very supportive of the career move. We might not consider having kids anymore but at least we're both educated and happy, and rich... hopefully.
Mourning can be a luxury especially when you have bills and debts to pay. We'll be debt-free someday. Tiwala lang.
But sometimes, no matter how busy you get, there are ways sadness still gets to you.
People don't get it. People don't understand that strong people can be vulnerable too.
Just because I'm smiling most of the time doesn't mean I'm okay. I still venture to my darkest thoughts. Being busy working doesn't drive the grief away. Going to church and being an active participating member doesn't make depression go away. It's a complex problem with a complex solution. Being busy with anything is just a band-aid solution - a distraction. The moment you're idle, the pain is still there.
It doesn't help that some people are insensitive. There's really nothing we can do about them, except avoid them whenever possible. Try to keep your cool. Ignore.
Losing three babies and a dog, having a parent who is ill, and knowing people who are insensitive to what you are going through eventually takes its toll. We've been reading and studying the Bible and praying; never really distanced ourselves from church activities. I've gone through the fellowship-to-forget route but sadly that didn't help. Praying helps, but you have to cry first, and crying is exhausting. Maybe I should get some counseling. Can I afford it? Maybe not. We're saying goodbye to Apartment A. Maybe the new housing situation will help. Maybe all these new things keeping us busy will help numb the pain.
{ Another Year, Another Home : The Sinister Apartment A }
Just don't be idle, I tell myself.
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