Missing the Church Camp to Mourn Our Second Child

We've been mourning for two weeks now and we can't let anyone know what's happening.

Church camp is such a big deal to me. I was never absent, not one day, not even an hour. I always made sure I'm fully paid, present and actively participating. It's a commitment I made to support the group I'm in even if it takes going to Divisoria to buy props, painting banners, dealing with group mates; I was there from preparation to the end. I take pride in that!

Carrying a child is a much bigger deal... Unfortunately, God wants me to carry the child for only twelve weeks. The last two ultrasound results made clear that God has indeed taken our baby - no heartbeat, no fetal pole, no blood flow, and he/she shrank in size. I knew then I was going to miscarry anytime soon. My husband and I were still praying for a miracle while also preparing for the worst.

Like what I said before, we already dedicated the child to God. Last week, we decided to go to the camp, still hoping that I won't miscarry yet. We'll go to camp, enjoy the event, and forget that I'm going to miscarry soon. That was the plan. If I stay home, nakakapraning lang. I'll just worry about what's going to happen.

Preparations for the event made us too busy to think about my pending miscarriage. We could be depressed, but isn't it better to be productive? And we were! Roy went to Divisoria to buy supplies and props. He still went to meetings. Despite our sadness, there's fulfillment in producing designs for the booklet and ID's. By God's grace, I've seen the rehearsal of our presentation, and I'm really hopeful that our group will do well. If I couldn't be in the camp, at least I can send my heart there through my work!

proposed design for the camp booklet cover

I poured my heart into this design. This is how I picture my relationship with the Lord, constantly looking up, dependent upon His plan, acknowledging that there are things out of my control. To accept those things, I need to put my complete trust in Him.

{ First Trimester Anxiety }

They say God has perfect timing. How is it perfect? I may never understand...

I started spotting last Saturday. What we were anxious about is suddenly real. I'm thankful that it happened after all the preparations for camp are done, but frustrated that I'm expecting heavy bleeding for the next few days. That means I have to stay home, or possibly be admitted to the hospital.

Attending the Sunday service was difficult. "Camp Fever" was in its highest. Everyone's excited. The scholars' camp fees are fully paid! Practices are going on. In the midst of all that's happening, we were in the crowd trying to hold back tears. I was actually trying to avoid people. I had to lie when people ask me how the pregnancy is going. I may have responded a bit rudely to some just to avoid the conversation. Only a few know the truth.

{ The Firstborn That Wasn't Meant to Be }

Yesterday the doctor assessed the situation. I plan to miscarry naturally, but at 12 weeks it might be complicated. It seems my womb doesn't want to let go of our dead child. We scheduled a D&C (raspa) within the week to get the remains of the baby.

It doesn't matter if it was blighted like the first one or a fetus that stopped developing. Both losses hurt.

I can't believe this is happening again. I want to be angry. I want to be depressed. Ang sakit sakit. Quota na ako. I think I've had enough heartbreak. For a while I was blaming myself. Maybe this is a consequence of past sins. I'm trying to look for answers...

"What? shall we receive good at the hand of God, and shall we not receive evil?"
Job 2:10

It's easy to praise God when things are going well. I hope I can be like Job in times like this. He suffered way more than any man and yet he stayed faithful to the Lord. We've only had two miscarriages and that's nothing compared to what Job experienced.