The Life of Kye

It’s normal to feel giddy whenever the church camp approaches. There’s a bit of concern when it comes to camp fees and other expenses, this is normal as well. If you feel apathetic about this event, I hope your attitude will improve. But doubt is not normal. Being cold towards a supposed happy event is not normal. In January, our team unexpectedly won the Bible quiz. The prize was a discount on the camp fee. I decided to waive my prize hoping it the discount will be given to someone who needs it more. My husband decided to waive his prize as well. We’ve been thinking how the Lord has been sustaining us. Now that we are both employed and able to pay for our fees, we thought it would be nice to sponsor others.  Then April came...

It's nice to be able to stop for a while and evaluate things. The only reason I get to write anything is because we're at home because I'm having awful menstrual cramps. Needless to say we missed church today.  (By the way, the photo was taken last week when I got home from class. It's no good to take selfies while you're in pain.) It's been hectic for more than a month now and there's a lot going on. I got a new part-time job. My husband is starting a new business. I'm taking graduate classes. We're moving... again. Tatay is in the hospital... again! Did I miss anything? I just turned 32 last week. Hubby's birthday is this week. Last summer, we volunteered for Vacation Bible School. There was no guarantee I can get in the job I applied for. Just in case I get in, I decided I'll keep volunteering while I'm still available. Sana pwede parin ako next summer.

We already have an idea of what's going to happen. The only question is when. I'm afraid it will happen while we're in the camp but we are still determined to attend. We're not going to be absent this year. Call it a leap of faith. We're going to be there. If it happens there, we'll be ready. We were absent last year for a very similar reason - a miscarriage.   Day 1 of Camp 2017 was the very day I was taken to the hospital for a D&C. It was devastating.

Two weeks of begging God for favor is starting to take its toll on me emotionally and spiritually. At this point, I'm just impatient to know if my baby (if there really is one) is going to make it or not. I want answers. 

It's the second half of our two week program. Since the first ultrasound result, we're just trying our best to stay positive and hold on to our faith. It's tough knowing that this could be another loss in the making - another blighted ovum. There's still a small chance that the baby will show up in the next ultrasound - a small chance. We're just hoping for a miracle.

We should really be in the camp. I'm not used to being somewhere else during the Holy Week. I've been attending the yearly church camp since 1999. This is my first, and hopefully my last absence.

We've been mourning for two weeks now and we can't let anyone know what's happening. Church camp is such a big deal to me. I was never absent, not one day, not even an hour. I always made sure I'm fully paid, present and actively participating. It's a commitment I made to support the group I'm in even if it takes going to Divisoria to buy props, painting banners, dealing with group mates; I was there from preparation to the end. I take pride in that! Carrying a child is a much bigger deal... Unfortunately, God wants me to carry the child for only twelve weeks. The last two ultrasound results made clear that God has indeed taken our baby - no heartbeat, no fetal pole, no blood flow, and he/she shrank in size. I knew then I was going to miscarry anytime soon. My husband and I were still praying for a miracle while also preparing for the worst.

I feel like being back to the ship after being washed away in the middle of the sea on a broken raft. via GIPHY One of the more common effects of loss is wanting to be isolated from the world.  Even when I remained active in social media, I maintained a distance from people, both physically and emotionally. When I couldn't avoid meeting people, I try to compose myself. There are still feelings I do not feel comfortable sharing with others, even those closest to me.

I wish I never had to go through this but it seems that God has another plan... Forsaken by his brothers, didn’t fit the scene Being made a slave was not what Joseph dreamed The coat of many colors was stained with blood and lies But from this divine appointment, a ruler would arise  When God has another plan, walk on and just say yes When God has another plan, be assured that He knows best When all your dreams are shattered, rest in His sufficient grace We don’t have to understand, when God has another plan Alone and broken hearted, questions fill your mind Changes can be hard that come by God’s design But if you could see tomorrow with a view from Heaven’s Throne Every unexpected struggle has led you closer home It's funny. I learned this song around the time I was two weeks pregnant. As you noticed, the title already projects sad vibes. I do not intend to bring discouragement. I'm writing this because...