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The Firstborn That Wasn't Meant to Be

I wish I never had to go through this but it seems that God has another plan...

Forsaken by his brothers, didn’t fit the scene
Being made a slave was not what Joseph dreamed
The coat of many colors was stained with blood and lies
But from this divine appointment, a ruler would arise 

When God has another plan, walk on and just say yes
When God has another plan, be assured that He knows best
When all your dreams are shattered, rest in His sufficient grace
We don’t have to understand, when God has another plan

Alone and broken hearted, questions fill your mind
Changes can be hard that come by God’s design
But if you could see tomorrow with a view from Heaven’s Throne
Every unexpected struggle has led you closer home

It's funny. I learned this song around the time I was two weeks pregnant.

As you noticed, the title already projects sad vibes. I do not intend to bring discouragement. I'm writing this because someday, someone somewhere will experience the same thing and will go looking for answers. My experience, though extremely heartbreaking, will give her some of those answers. Nothing of this ordeal will go to waste.

This post may be TMI (too much info). If you don't think you can handle it, STOP RIGHT HERE.
Just enjoy this song and IGNORE THE REST OF THE ARTICLE.

My pregnancy timeline

1 week + 5 days - implantation spotting
Implantation Bleeding or Period? - What to Expect (READ HERE)

6 weeks + 6 days - positive pregnancy test
I'm Sure This Isn't Just Bloat (READ HERE)

6 to 9 weeks - enjoying pregnancy
A Chill First Trimester (READ HERE)

9 weeks + 2 days - first ultrasound
I fought the urge to post the scans in social media because there's nothing much to see yet. We were advised to repeat the scan after a week.

My gestational age was estimated at 7 weeks 2 days, 2 weeks after my LMP according to the size of the gestational sac.
Maybe I conceived later than I thought. No big deal.

Gravid = means pregnant
Anteverted = tilted forward, more common among women

Yolk sac was only 0.35 cm.
The baby may either be too small to be detected, is slowly growing, or it could mean that the growth stopped and it could be a blighted ovum.
It was hard to sleep that night but I kept telling myself it's not final yet. 

10 weeks + 2 days - the day of the follow-up ultrasound, but missed it.

11 weeks + 2 days - we decided to wait it out another week.
I didn't want to see an empty sac again. Next week we'll see the baby for sure and maybe we'll hear the heartbeat. We're staying positive.

12 weeks + 2 days - spotting
Sentenced to Bed Rest (READ HERE)
Sentenced to Bed Rest (Continuation) (READ HERE)
We're staying positive and hopeful that the pregnancy can still be saved.

13 weeks + 2 days
check-up and repeat ultrasound (4 weeks after the last scan)
The spotting became worse and the meds didn't do anything at all to stop it.

We were about to have lunch when I noticed that the spotting was red. I wanted to cry but tried to stay calm. We're going to see the doctor soon. We'll resolve the spotting from there. Additional meds maybe?

We got there an hour before our appointment. We were hoping to be called first. There's always a long queue in the ultrasound room and ob-gyne clinic. I was really tense but my husband kept making jokes I forgot why I was worried.

I was called to the ultrasound room alone! They said they will call my husband later. What's going on?!?!

It's a trans-vaginal ultrasound. Totally uncomfortable! In the first few minutes of the ultrasound, I kept peeping on the screen through the side of my eye. Then I looked at the radiologist. He had his usual poker face but his forehead was slightly creased. I turned my eyes to the ceiling. This can't be good.

They called my husband for the devastating news.

There's very little increase in the gestational sac in one month. By this time it should be about twice as large.

Still an empty sac and the yolk sac is completely gone. No fetus. No fetal pole. No heartbeat. Just an empty sac.

The edge of the gestational sac is not as defined as in the last scan. Some parts look blurred and faded as the walls of the sac disintegrate. This is the most probable cause of spotting.

Hubby is still his usual self, trying to make jokes at every opportunity. We are so not crying in the hospital. It hasn't sunk in yet.

As soon as the results of the scan were printed, we were sent to the doctor's office. The doctor confirmed that it was a blighted ovum. My pregnancy failed.

I had a pelvic exam. My cervix was still hard and closed. (She tried to open it! It hurt so much I wanted to punch her!) The spotting continues and will more possibly progress to bleeding. She prescribed a medication to soften the cervix in preparation for a surgical procedure. The empty sac has to be removed.

Hubby kept making jokes as we head to the lobby. I remember him saying, "Uy, di na s'ya nag-iingat maglakad." [ She's not walking slowly anymore. ] It would be pointless. The only thing that can save the pregnancy now is a miracle.

No crying until we get home! He still had to go back to work late that afternoon. He visits me at home to make sure I'm doing okay.

When he got home from work, that's when we started mourning our loss. I didn't want to tell anyone yet. In my heart, I was still praying and hoping it can be reversed, that it's a misdiagnosis, but my body was telling me it was the end.

Maybe that's God's way of telling us it's not yet time to be parents.

Reviewing our options...

Option 1

Go for a dilation and curettage procedure wherein tissue (remains of the gestational sack) inside my uterus will be surgically removed.

  • It's a procedure that is also used for abortion, and I am AGAINST abortion.
  • The possibility of complication after the procedure scares me.
  • Going through it means I'm in a hurry to terminate my pregnancy. People will see it as a selfish act on my part.
  • It's not cheap.

Option 2

Wait for a natural miscarriage

  • I have no idea when it will happen and how long it will last. It can happen in a few days, weeks or months after the pregnancy ended.
  • I heard that it might be painful and I might bleed a lot. Some women experience huge blood loss.
  • If the uterus have not completely emptied after the miscarriage, the doctors will perform D&C procedure. Back to Option 1.

What I really want to happen

I want a miracle. I want to discover a living being in my next ultrasound. This is what I want... 

But I also need to acknowledge that God has the full authority in my life. Whatever we face, good or bad, blessing or struggle or consequence, He allowed it. We only need to fully TRUST Him.

It is not easy. Not for me. It hurts too much to lose someone I haven't even met.

Whether I conceived a baby or a blighted ovum, all my symptoms are REAL! The happiness when we first saw the two lines in the PT was real.

For a short time, we learned to love a little person we were never destined to hold... That love was real too.

Now I know how it feels to love someone I haven't seen
counting the days until we meet
only to lose him before we have the chance...

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