The Life of Kye

We already have an idea of what's going to happen. The only question is when. I'm afraid it will happen while we're in the camp but we are still determined to attend. We're not going to be absent this year. Call it a leap of faith. We're going to be there. If it happens there, we'll be ready. We were absent last year for a very similar reason - a miscarriage.   Day 1 of Camp 2017 was the very day I was taken to the hospital for a D&C. It was devastating.

Two weeks of begging God for favor is starting to take its toll on me emotionally and spiritually. At this point, I'm just impatient to know if my baby (if there really is one) is going to make it or not. I want answers. 

It's the second half of our two week program. Since the first ultrasound result, we're just trying our best to stay positive and hold on to our faith. It's tough knowing that this could be another loss in the making - another blighted ovum. There's still a small chance that the baby will show up in the next ultrasound - a small chance. We're just hoping for a miracle.

For most women, pregnancy is an exciting and blissful prelude to motherhood. Unfortunately, I am one of few women who dread being pregnant, traumatized by past pregnancy losses and failure. I'm pregnant for the third time in the moment we're almost sure we've done our best to prevent it from happening. Will God allow us to be parents this time?

My first resolution for 2018 is "DON'T GET PREGNANT." Nakakadala . I don't know if there's any direct translation to this word. It means we've learned our lesson and we don't want to go through the same situation again. After two losses , the natural response would be to take a step back and think about whether we want to try conceiving again, or stop, or take a break. We decided to dedicate this year to replenishing our health and our funds. I took on a project to help with that. We're trying to improve the management our present business. We're looking for ways to save money (possibly go back to live in Apartment A) . So far, so good.

We should really be in the camp. I'm not used to being somewhere else during the Holy Week. I've been attending the yearly church camp since 1999. This is my first, and hopefully my last absence.

We've been mourning for two weeks now and we can't let anyone know what's happening. Church camp is such a big deal to me. I was never absent, not one day, not even an hour. I always made sure I'm fully paid, present and actively participating. It's a commitment I made to support the group I'm in even if it takes going to Divisoria to buy props, painting banners, dealing with group mates; I was there from preparation to the end. I take pride in that! Carrying a child is a much bigger deal... Unfortunately, God wants me to carry the child for only twelve weeks. The last two ultrasound results made clear that God has indeed taken our baby - no heartbeat, no fetal pole, no blood flow, and he/she shrank in size. I knew then I was going to miscarry anytime soon. My husband and I were still praying for a miracle while also preparing for the worst.

It should be normal to feel anxious while pregnant. There are serious risks especially in the first trimester. I should know. We lost our first baby last year.  { The Firstborn that Wasn't Meant to Be }   I know how the statistics are and I'm not 100% healthy to begin with.  When my husband and found out I was pregnant again, we were not as excited as we were the first time. There's a bit of excitement coupled with a lot of fear. What if it's blighted again? What if I miscarry? We even had a discussion whether to announce the pregnancy or not. Our previous loss somehow robbed us of the joy we're supposed to have. We nicknamed him/her Jellybean.

I was praying for a go signal from God if I should go through the procedure or still wait for a natural miscarriage. It was confirmed that I had a failed pregnancy - a blighted ovum. The Firstborn That Wasn't Meant to Be (READ HERE) I know we've already discussed. Hubby and I have agreed but I still have doubts. Until the last minute at home, I was still contemplating. A Proper Goodbye (READ HERE) I DO NOT, IN ANY WAY, PROMOTE ABORTION THROUGH D&C! This journal might be of help to those who are diagnosed with blighted ovum and a failed pregnancy. Remember. You are not alone. I hope this post will help give you an idea and help prepare you if you ever decide to have a D&C. view from the bed, inside the ob-gyne clinic Sorry for the TMI (Too Much Information) This post is not necessarily gory but it has details that may be uncomfortable for people to read. If you're that kind of people, STOP RIGHT HERE. Also, this post is really long.

Image from  PIXABAY Up to last Friday I was still conflicted whether to wait to miscarry naturally or to go with the d&c (dilation and curettage) or raspa . One of my concerns is the fact that d&c is a procedure also used in abortion and I am STRONGLY AGAINST abortion.

I wish I never had to go through this but it seems that God has another plan... Forsaken by his brothers, didn’t fit the scene Being made a slave was not what Joseph dreamed The coat of many colors was stained with blood and lies But from this divine appointment, a ruler would arise  When God has another plan, walk on and just say yes When God has another plan, be assured that He knows best When all your dreams are shattered, rest in His sufficient grace We don’t have to understand, when God has another plan Alone and broken hearted, questions fill your mind Changes can be hard that come by God’s design But if you could see tomorrow with a view from Heaven’s Throne Every unexpected struggle has led you closer home It's funny. I learned this song around the time I was two weeks pregnant. As you noticed, the title already projects sad vibes. I do not intend to bring discouragement. I'm writing this because...

There's no such thing as a sick selfie. #stayingpositive #hopeful #MegTheCuddlyBear A photo posted by Kye Felix (@sleepwalkingscarlet) on Jul 1, 2016 at 9:08pm PDT Spotting can be very scary even when it's common. It's scarier during the first pregnancy. Some women even experience heavy bleeding! I've asked people and read forums. A lot of them go on to have healthy pregnancies, while some are not as fortunate. At this point, I am scared of having a miscarriage. Multiply the fear when I experienced spotting in my 13th week. Pregnancy - Bleeding Problems (READ HERE) Internet can either uplift your spirit or make you paranoid so it's best to stay away from it whenever you're anxious or confused. Hopefully my experience will not add to other mom-to-be's paranoia.

Ink blots and coffee stains never scared me, but this did. It seems my pregnancy is not as chill as I thought it would be.  My only symptoms (READ HERE) image from  PIXABAY I doubt I'll be experiencing morning sickness any time soon but there came another symptom. Something I could not ignore - spotting .

It's an all familiar plot in Filipino dramas. When the leading lady starts vomiting, and her mother finds out, the audience automatically assumes that she is pregnant. All drama hell breaks loose. Leading Lady: (Nauseated; pukes on the kitchen sink) Mother: (Sees daughter puking; instantly goes beast mode) Buntis ka?!?! Sinasabi ko na nga ba eh! Nakakahiya ka! Malandi! Haliparot!   Leading Lady: Mahal ko po siya, Nay...   Mother: Anong mahal mahal?!? Ni hindi pa tayo nakakaahon sa hirap nagagawa mo pang maglandi?! Lumayas ka sa pamamahay ko!   Next Scene: Mother drives daughter out of the house, throws her an empty bag and some of her clothes. via GIPHY My pregnancy is not as exciting and dramatic as other women's pregnancy. Why?

Estimated between 9 to 11 weeks pregnant now and I'm still in shock. image from  PIXABAY When I found out, I was on the fifth or seventh week. My husband and I never thought I would conceive this early in our marriage. He's diabetic. I have long and irregular cycle. My age is at the end of the calendar. We were actually conditioning our minds to accept the possibility of not having a child. Until I found out...

Finally! DSL Connection!!! I totally forgot we were waiting for this for three months since we applied. One day, the PLDT guys showed up and decided to grant us our magical internet connection.  We waited THREE MONTHS to get connected. THREE MONTHS...  Wow. What a test of patience. via GIPHY Now I'm catching up on Grimm and occasionally, youtube. Good thing is we survived on prepaid internet while waiting for dsl. It wasn't so bad living without being updated all the time. I still don't mind not having television, but a reliable internet connection is kind of a big deal... Especially when I had this moment weeks ago via GIPHY Yup. I guess modern pregnant women need internet because my most recent google search keywords are "_________ (insert food/drink/beauty product/item) safe for pregnant" So I guess, Thank you PLDT!