Diary of My Third Pregnancy (Part 4)
Two weeks of begging God for favor is starting to take its toll on me emotionally and spiritually. At this point, I'm just impatient to know if my baby (if there really is one) is going to make it or not. I want answers.
I decided to delay posting this because my husband and I
agreed not to make any announcements before April.
---Beware! The article below contains TMI (Too Much Information)!---
March 15, 2018 (Thursday)
We've moved back to Apartment A (Yes. THAT CREEPY UNIT.)
Our bed is now facing the front door but we've installed thick curtains for privacy. We placed the cabinets and shelves as dividers. We joke about the bedroom looking like an hospital ward.
via GIPHY
Nevermind bad vibes or feng shui. We need to cut down on expenses and utilize the space.
Nevermind bad vibes or feng shui. We need to cut down on expenses and utilize the space.
It's a bit frustrating seeing how chaotic the place looks and I can't do anything about it.
March 16, 2018 (Friday)
Checking if there are pregnancy symptoms... I still have food aversions, bloated stomach, constipation, sensitivity to certain smells and back pain. I'm supposed to be 9 to 10 weeks along. The symptoms are supposed to be in full force at 9 weeks but my symptoms are starting to wane. Cramps are happening too.
It's either my body is used to the baby or it's preparing to let go of the empty gestational sac.
Is it really blighted or not? If it's really a blighted ovum why is my body not rejecting it yet? When will the spotting or bleeding happen? If anything has to be confirmed, it has to happen this week! Why the delay?
Why not speed things up? Maybe I'll do some intense workout to start the process of natural miscarriage. But until the next ultrasound, we still have to be careful because there's a tiny chance that there is a baby.
My husband still holds on to that possibility but I'm already preparing for the worst.
March 18, 2018 (Sunday)
I decided to stay home today. Back pain. I need to lie down.
Honestly, I just need to avoid people... And deal with the back pain. It's not total bed rest because I still need to prepare my own meals. At least I can lie down whenever I need to.
Good thing there's fb live! I watched the worship services from home. There is no substitute for actual worship but this will do for now.
My camp group has been really supportive with my health situation. They excused my absences.
March 21, 2018 (Wednesday)
Should I go to the doctor's appointment or not???
I called the hospital to see if the OB and ultrasound is available, then contemplated for a good half hour before deciding to go. I went anyway.
The hallway was packed! I waited, made a few sketches to kill time.
It was already 11:30 and my name still wasn't called. The ultrasound is only until 12 noon. There's no way I can make it through the queue for the ultrasound so I cancelled my appointment. As soon as I cancelled it was only then that the nurse called me for the weigh in and BP. I'll just go back tomorrow.
It was frustrating. I couldn't have gone when I didn't feel like it.
I don't know which is worse: waiting so long, or seeing a lot of pregnant women in their second and third trimesters pass me by. Babies and toddlers I can tolerate. Bumps? Not so much.
March 24, 2018 (Saturday)
Planned to go last Thursday but hubby convinced me to go today so I can see the doctor right after ultrasound. Surprisingly, there's only a few people waiting in the lobby. Maybe most of the patients are already on vacation. The radiologist was there ahead of time too.
My husband is still hoping for a miracle. I'm no longer praying to see a baby on the third ultrasound. If it's God's will that I'll miscarry, I have already accepted it.
Finally it was safe to say it's an anembryonic pregnancy or blighted ovum. I'm sad, of course, but I also felt at peace. Maybe that peace was brought by acceptance.
My body will reject the empty gestational sac anytime soon. My prayer is that this won't happen during the camp.
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