The Life of Kye

I chopped my hair again. I wish it was for better reasons - spontaneous change of image, the type that vloggers do whenever they run out of content. But I am experiencing depression again and it’s not because of the season.

Maybe I don’t need to tell you about Hope, my fourth child. You’re thinking. No, not again. Not another miscarriage story. Same thought. I wish this didn’t happen. This is the time to stop reading. Baka ‘di mo kayanin. Close this window now. Read about something else. It’s okay. Hope’s story isn’t for everyone.

The pink and blue awareness ribbon is a symbol for miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy, stillbirth, and infant death due to SIDS or other causes. It is also the awareness ribbon for infantile diseases and illnesses. Please DO NOT BE IGNORANT. Maybe you think you are helping but you are actually causing more hurt with what you tell others. Miscarriage is more common than you think and we must always be considerate of how others are coping after experiencing miscarriage, infertility and infant loss. My husband and I have lost three children to miscarriage. It takes a lot of patience to stay composed in the midst of INCONSIDERATE and INSENSITIVE people. Here are some statements that are definitely not helping people like us who are grieving for their children.

We lost Jellybean last year, same time as the first day of camp. Life has been tough since our first loss - Robyn in July 2016. What shall we name the third one? My husband called it "Thirdy." It really doesn't matter if the pregnancy has a formed embryo or not. Any expectant mother would love the one she's bearing regardless of the condition. I'm tired of bearing dead children and empty sacs. It would have been better if I never had to bear them at all, but this is how God intended it to be. Whether this is punishment for past sins or a trial of faith, what matters is that we keep on living. By now I should be used to the feeling of miscarriage but experiencing it for the third time doesn't make it easier physically or emotionally.

We should really be in the camp. I'm not used to being somewhere else during the Holy Week. I've been attending the yearly church camp since 1999. This is my first, and hopefully my last absence.

We've been mourning for two weeks now and we can't let anyone know what's happening. Church camp is such a big deal to me. I was never absent, not one day, not even an hour. I always made sure I'm fully paid, present and actively participating. It's a commitment I made to support the group I'm in even if it takes going to Divisoria to buy props, painting banners, dealing with group mates; I was there from preparation to the end. I take pride in that! Carrying a child is a much bigger deal... Unfortunately, God wants me to carry the child for only twelve weeks. The last two ultrasound results made clear that God has indeed taken our baby - no heartbeat, no fetal pole, no blood flow, and he/she shrank in size. I knew then I was going to miscarry anytime soon. My husband and I were still praying for a miracle while also preparing for the worst.

I feel like being back to the ship after being washed away in the middle of the sea on a broken raft. via GIPHY One of the more common effects of loss is wanting to be isolated from the world.  Even when I remained active in social media, I maintained a distance from people, both physically and emotionally. When I couldn't avoid meeting people, I try to compose myself. There are still feelings I do not feel comfortable sharing with others, even those closest to me.

image from PIXABAY Finally out of the hospital, home and settled. via GIPHY I was confined for almost two days to remove the remains of my failed pregnancy, a blighted ovum I carried in my womb for 14 weeks. The Firstborn That Wasn't Meant to Be (READ HERE) This is my detailed account of the procedure. Having a D&C (Journal) - (READ HERE) In case you're wondering what it was like after the operation, I assure you that it's okay. The operation itself wasn't as scary as I thought it was. The effects vary among women but I can tell you that it's manageable. If you need more information about recovering from D&C, feel free to read this article. TMI (Too Much Information) about feminine reproductive health. (Maybe okay for ladies but uncomfortable for guys). If you're a guy and still want to read on... you've been warned.

I was praying for a go signal from God if I should go through the procedure or still wait for a natural miscarriage. It was confirmed that I had a failed pregnancy - a blighted ovum. The Firstborn That Wasn't Meant to Be (READ HERE) I know we've already discussed. Hubby and I have agreed but I still have doubts. Until the last minute at home, I was still contemplating. A Proper Goodbye (READ HERE) I DO NOT, IN ANY WAY, PROMOTE ABORTION THROUGH D&C! This journal might be of help to those who are diagnosed with blighted ovum and a failed pregnancy. Remember. You are not alone. I hope this post will help give you an idea and help prepare you if you ever decide to have a D&C. view from the bed, inside the ob-gyne clinic Sorry for the TMI (Too Much Information) This post is not necessarily gory but it has details that may be uncomfortable for people to read. If you're that kind of people, STOP RIGHT HERE. Also, this post is really long.

Image from  PIXABAY Up to last Friday I was still conflicted whether to wait to miscarry naturally or to go with the d&c (dilation and curettage) or raspa . One of my concerns is the fact that d&c is a procedure also used in abortion and I am STRONGLY AGAINST abortion.

I wish I never had to go through this but it seems that God has another plan... Forsaken by his brothers, didn’t fit the scene Being made a slave was not what Joseph dreamed The coat of many colors was stained with blood and lies But from this divine appointment, a ruler would arise  When God has another plan, walk on and just say yes When God has another plan, be assured that He knows best When all your dreams are shattered, rest in His sufficient grace We don’t have to understand, when God has another plan Alone and broken hearted, questions fill your mind Changes can be hard that come by God’s design But if you could see tomorrow with a view from Heaven’s Throne Every unexpected struggle has led you closer home It's funny. I learned this song around the time I was two weeks pregnant. As you noticed, the title already projects sad vibes. I do not intend to bring discouragement. I'm writing this because...