Statements That DO NOT Help Women Who Went Through Multiple Miscarriages
Please DO NOT BE IGNORANT. Maybe you think you are helping but you are actually causing more hurt with what you tell others. Miscarriage is more common than you think and we must always be considerate of how others are coping after experiencing miscarriage, infertility and infant loss.
My husband and I have lost three children to miscarriage. It takes a lot of patience to stay composed in the midst of INCONSIDERATE and INSENSITIVE people.
Here are some statements that are definitely not helping people like us who are grieving for their children.
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Aba gusto ko manghampas ng upuan nang marinig ko ito. Gestational age doesn’t really matter here. Don’t dismiss the loss as a medical incident. A miscarriage is not only a physical event. It also affects the soul. Even if the miscarriage seemed just like a really bad period, it is counted one life lost. That miscarriage is one child that died no matter how tiny he or she is.
“Gawa nalang kayo ulit.”
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Wow hah! Parang ganoon lang kadali. Making babies may be easier for some but definitely not for someone who already suffered multiple infant losses. We have to understand that women’s bodies are different. Even one woman’s experience of pregnancy is different for each child she bears. The risk increases with every pregnancy. So how can anyone in the right mind say this phrase to couples experiencing reproductive difficulties?
“Ano ba talagang nangyari?”
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Must we explain every detail of the ordeal to every one who asks? Do you think recounting what happened will help the one who suffered from it? Kaya nga isinulat ko na sa blog. I already posted so I don’t have to explain the situation every single time to every single person who asks. Why do you need to know every detail anyway? Aside from your nosey nature?
“Pahilot ka.”
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People automatically assume that miscarriage is caused by “mababang matris” while actually there are a lot of factors involved. Even specialists have a hard time figuring out the exact cause. They say this as if hilot is magic. I don’t understand why. FYI madaming beses na akong nagpahilot. All that did was relax my muscles.
“Uminom ka ng herbal.”
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Some will even see the loss as an opportunity to make money. Herbal supplements may claim to do wonders but there is no guarantee how effective they are. I am not against taking these supplements. What I don’t like is how retailers make wild claims just to sell them.
“Palit ka ng OB.”
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I understand that some OB’s have more experience in treating certain women, but changing medical practioners do not automatically guarantee successful childbearing.
“Tumataba ka.”
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I didn’t really think this will affect me as much. Most of the people who tell me deliver the statement as a compliment. Naiinis lang naman ako when some people have nothing else to say than “Tumataba ka.” Don’t get me wrong, I think I look better this way, but the more I hear this the more I realize - tumaba lang naman ako kasi nagbuntis ako. It was my all my pregnancies that caused most of the changes in my body thus far. Three times pregnant. No living kids. Just got fat. That’s all I got from my pregnancies - body fat. Sakit ‘no?
In addition to these statements, here are some actions you must avoid doing to women and couples who went through losing a child or children.
Our tummies are OFF LIMITS!
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Please lang. Careless statements are enough to make us emotional. Don’t make it worse by touching our tummies while asking, “Kailan ka magbubuntis?” or “Wala pa ba?” Minsan gusto ko na sagutin eh. “Bakit naghahanap ka? May patago ka?”
Do not assume that the couple still wants a baby.
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Especially if the couple went through more than one loss, it can be really scary to even think of trying again. We think of the risks. We think of the pain. And depending on the timing of the loss, we may still be grieving. Grieving does not take 40 days. For a child that is lost, it may take longer than that - years, a lifetime. You will never know until you experience for yourself. Gusto mo ba maranasan mawalan ng anak?
Do not assume that the couple want to adopt either.
Adoption is not something to take lightly, so is fostering children. In my case, I went through a phase when I didn’t even want to see toddlers. If you are unsure about bringing up this topic, just don’t. It doesn’t mean we’re closing our doors to the possibility. We’re just not ready to talk about it yet.
Guys, we can talk about other things. Why don’t we talk about what we are up to at present? We can talk about work. We can talk about politics as long as we can stay tolerant. Let’s talk about recipes! Ang dami pang pwedeng pag-usapan.
Eh kung tanungin ko kayo kung kailan kayo titigil...
huminga.
huminga.
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Etchos!
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