When Hope Died

Maybe I don’t need to tell you about Hope, my fourth child.

You’re thinking. No, not again. Not another miscarriage story.

Same thought. I wish this didn’t happen.

This is the time to stop reading. Baka ‘di mo kayanin. Close this window now. Read about something else. It’s okay. Hope’s story isn’t for everyone.

So you decided to keep reading...

I’ll try not to be so detailed.

You can stop anytime reading this makes you uncomfortable.

Here goes.

After three losses and very strict family planning the miracle happens. The same miracle was taken away too soon, just as the three angels before her.

I didn’t even acknowledge I could be pregnant. I was busy with a new job. I was enjoying. I believed the symptoms were of PMS and not pregnancy. I didn’t even test.

Photo by Andy Grizzell on Unsplash

It was a rainy night. Hubby and I are watching a movie. I couldn’t focus because of the cramps. Hindi na ako makabangon. Maybe my period is about to start and this is dysmenorrhea kicking in. Roy had to go out because of an emergency. The canopy covering the balcony collapsed because of the rain. Hindi na talaga ako makabangon. The pain was really intense. In my mind, it’s just really horrible dysmenorrhea which happened to remind me of miscarriage contractions. If dysmenorrhea is a 7/10 level of pain, this was at 8/10.

Maybe it will be over in the morning.

I was wrong.

I went to the bathroom hours later. These aren’t period cramps. I was having active contractions! I will no longer go into the graphic details. What I saw was enough.

Photo by Luis Paico on Unsplash

Shock, grief, shame, confusion and unbelief all mixed up instantly followed by guilt and self-blame. I couldn’t tell anyone what happened.

At one point I thought of waking my husband but I decided to spare him the image.

I cried, said goodbye, and then cleaned the bathroom.

I couldn’t even bury her. I hate myself.

Later in the morning, I was still weak and nauseous. I took iron supplements just to get by. We were scheduled to go to Divisoria that day. Hindi ko pa nasasabi sa kanya... I could stay but... We were living with my in-laws who had guests at the time. I was very distraught and emotional. I’d rather accompany my husband to Divisoria than try to act normal in front of other people.

When we got to Divisoria, I asked him if we could have breakfast again kasi nanghihina talaga ako. I took another tablet of iron supplements after 2nd breakfast. 

Maybe what happened was just a dream. It’s all just a really bad nightmare. I kept denying the experience in my mind.

I had D&C procedure for my past miscarriages. I had no recollection of actually passing my babies. 

Natural miscarriage was the most graphic and traumatic thing that has ever happened to me. Nothing could ever prepare me for it, not even the three miscarriages that happened before.

Shopping was a good distraction but as soon as we got back I also got back to overthinking.

I waited until night time to tell my husband. Bumagsak ang langit at lupa. Best timing talaga yung makunan ka days before Mothers’ Day.

The next morning I went to work. I couldn’t tell my colleagues about what happened. I was still very weak so I did more sleeping than actual work in the office, citing “I have a really bad period” as an excuse. The  real challenge was trying not to cry while at work.

Hindi ako nagpakita sa church the whole May 2019. We only told a few people. Mothers' month. Madaming ganap. I didn't want to ruin the celebration and the fellowship. I decided ako na lang ang iiwas.

Until now, I have days when I remember what happened to my angels. Flashbacks. Nightmares. Unexplained physical pain. Depression. Anxiety. There’s no way to unsee what I saw that night. Somehow I feel justified I didn’t call my husband for help and I decided to suffer the process alone.

I still grieve an equal amount for all four of them.

I wish I wasn’t this rare case who keeps miscarrying.

I named her Hope because May 9, 2019 was when hope of having children officially died for me.

People are so quick to label women who choose the childfree lifestyle “selfish.” I would rather destroy any fleeting thought of conceiving a child than risk having to lose a child again. I choose not to risk my health and sanity para lang may kukurut-kurutin at bubuhatin bagong bata ang ibang tao.

‘Yung mga hanap ng hanap ng anak ang selfish. Bakit? Mag-i-sponsor ba sila ng treatments ko? Sila ba ang magluluksa kapag nakunan ako ulit? Hindi ‘di ba? In the end, I will be the one who suffers. Am I selfish for not wanting to conceive anymore? No. I’m being practical and reasonable.

I am one who survived four consecutive miscarriages. I continue to function despite the long term effects of what I suffered. And I don’t need to conceive one successful pregnancy to achieve the ideal people call “the true essence of a woman.” 

Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy for couples finally getting their requested babies, but please know that parenthood is not for everyone. Not every woman who has a uterus needs to be pregnant. Seriously, tigilan n’yo na paghahanap ng bata as if may patago kayo.

Meanwhile, I do what I can to cope. Life goes on. I let the flashbacks happen, have a good cry, wipe my tears, pray the Lord will hug my children tight, dress up and go to work. I can succumb. I can take the shortcut. I just choose not to. If there’s anything positive that came out of losing Hope, Thirdy, Bean and Robyn, I give you a proof of a tried and tested faith. I learned that most days being strong is a conscious choice.