The Holidays: To Cheer or Not to Cheer?

I chopped my hair again. I wish it was for better reasons - spontaneous change of image, the type that vloggers do whenever they run out of content. But I am experiencing depression again and it’s not because of the season.

The Real Reason for the Season

I don’t want to get into any debate on why Christmas should or should not be celebrated by Christians. Ever since the holidays began (as early as September here in the Philippines) people have been too giddy and… for the lack of better wording, toxic. I understand better now why the holidays brought more stress than happiness.

Let’s be clear. I acknowledge the meaning of Christmas and I am not against celebrating it; although there are texts pertaining to December 25 as the date of a pagan feast instead of Jesus Christ’s actual birthday. I have done some research about the origins of some beloved Christmas decorations too, and I’m not against people who love to decorate with them.

I think it’s a good season, despite the questionable date, to celebrate that Jesus was born as a man and suffered to pay for our sins. It’s an opportunity to introduce the gospel to the world.

The Stress of the Season

We all have to admit that this season brings out our materialistic and FOMO urges. It’s time to make others jealous of what we have and be jealous of what we do not. It’s the time to desire more things and suffer in debt the next year.

Scrolling through my social media feed only fed my envy. I wish I could be happier looking at other people’s blessings but I only felt discouragement. It doesn’t help that I’m still grieving my fifth miscarriage while seeing families in matching pajamas and pregnancy announcements.

Would being in church be a comfort? Sadly, they’re caught up in the season as well. Collections, Christmas programs and all that. With the closing of 2022 we also find ourselves stressing over the tarps and calendars of 2023, as well as the anxiety of how certain nitpicking churchfolk will react to them. 

It would be a consolation to at least have money to spend on a holiday date. No, we don’t have that either.

When I lost our fifth child last November I knew the rest of 2022 is going to suck. We worked hard for so many years to recover from four consecutive miscarriages. We are AVOIDING getting pregnant! My specific prayer is, “Lord, kung mabubuntis po ako huwag N’yo na po kunin. Kung ayaw N’yo po kaming bigyan ng anak, okay lang po tumanda kami na kaming dalawa lang. Ayoko na po mabuntis ulit kung kukunin N’yo lang ulit.” (“Lord, if I’m going to be pregnant again, please do not take the child away. If You don’t want us to be parents, we’re fine growing old together without a child. I don’t want to be pregnant only to miscarry again.”) Prayers and contraceptives were no match for God’s will. Seriously, how many more miscarriages does God want us to endure?

Breaking the News

The original plan is to wait until the holidays are over to tell people that we lost our fifth. We did not want to be the bad news in the midst of the holiday season. I miscarried at home on a Monday, missed an assembly scheduled on Wednesday because I couldn’t walk properly, but attended a meeting on the Saturday because people might become suspicious if I didn’t. I hope it wasn’t obvious I was cramping and nauseous the whole time. The travel going there and going back home was even worse.

The following weeks I tricked myself into going back to work. I had to work again to distract from the pain. We attended our first Christmas party, visited an orphanage, and attended a birthday party. It seemed like everything was back to how it was. But after all the activities, I just couldn’t keep it in anymore. I finally told my family, eventually posted about it just a few days before Christmas.

I wish I told people sooner. I wish I grieved properly.

The biggest frustration came from the fact that we didn’t bury any of our babies. There were no funerals. There were no prayers for them. There were no closures. I couldn’t even name the last one we lost… I also wish we had a better support system, but we couldn’t really complain. We can only appreciate the people who offered prayers and comforting words.

A Challenge to Be Grateful

Maybe listing the things I’m thankful for will somehow balance this unfavorable situation of ours.

Our marriage. Many couples who experience child loss eventually break up. It’s a lot of grief and stress to deal with. Some even use their spouse’s infertility as an excuse to be unfaithful. The first thing my husband did for me after the losses was to reaffirm his love and his commitment to our marriage.

The unconditional love and support of family. We spent Christmas with my parents and brothers. We felt right at home with them. We had enough food. We rested well.  The holiday wasn’t festive, but it was warm and comforting. 

Friends who truly cared for us. Who knew there are people willing to set aside a minute of their holiday preparations to check on you and pray for you?

Clarity. Unrelated to the loss, but more related to previous events, 2022 has been a year of many revelations. We’re relieved this year brought many answers.

It’s still a challenge thanking God for the recent loss. Yes, it’s required that we thank Him for allowing bad things to happen to us. This might take longer…

I don’t think it’s mandatory to celebrate the holiday while grieving. It’s also not forbidden to partake in holiday celebrations while being heartbroken over a loss. We all deal with challenges that are beyond our control. The holidays do not give us exemptions. It’s sad that these things happen in the worst timing possible. We can only hope next year is more manageable than this.