Bittersweet Camp Memories
It’s normal to feel giddy whenever the church camp approaches. There’s a bit of concern when it comes to camp fees and other expenses, this is normal as well. If you feel apathetic about this event, I hope your attitude will improve. But doubt is not normal. Being cold towards a supposed happy event is not normal.
In January, our team unexpectedly won the Bible quiz. The prize was a discount on the camp fee. I decided to waive my prize hoping it the discount will be given to someone who needs it more. My husband decided to waive his prize as well. We’ve been thinking how the Lord has been sustaining us. Now that we are both employed and able to pay for our fees, we thought it would be nice to sponsor others.
Then April came...
In 2017, I was in active miscarriage whilst preparing for the camp. In 2018, we were present in the camp despite the possibility of miscarrying our third child then and there. It’s hard to reconcile feeling excited about the camp and longing for the children I miscarried April.
Is this another test?
To add to the challenge, I was assigned to be a devotion leader to three ladies, two of which I know are mothers. I felt unqualified for the task. I thought I was the one who needed counseling. The theme revolves around “service.” Maybe it’s better to be the one facilitating the discussion.
I attended the meetings. I studied the lessons. I try, despite the very toxic schedule, to help out with our group’s presentation. It’s something my husband and I have been doing since - and even before - we got married. Despite being active, the emptiness consumes me. Going home tired from work is a blessing. The faster I get sleepy the less time I spend in contemplation. I constantly long for my children. I long for the children we lost while being busy for the camp. What happened to us continue to rob us of our joy. It’s an ongoing struggle.
Why the fire runs out
“Rekindling the fire” is the theme for this year’s church camp. It focuses on rekindling the fire of service rooted in the love for God and His ministry. I will not say anything about the lesson or the devotionals, but I can say that there is a pressing concern regarding this subject.
Fire dims. It’s natural. Everyone can attest to this. When I compare my service then to my service now, it’s evident that a lot of things have changed. When we were young we had all the time in the world, all the energy we can ever have and zero money. Serving in the church would mean having fun and being with friends. At my age now, time management is tricky, we have limited energy, we have a little money and a lot of debts. Serving in the church would require not only availability but financial commitment. It would mean dealing with people who can be uncooperative. Add grown-up problems to this.
It’s easy to serve when you are happy. When God allows some trials and tribulations, some of us have to be mechanical for things to be accomplished. Some of us have to put our feelings aside to function in the tasks we’ve undertaken. Many times I had to work despite sickness or even depression. These are hindrances, true, but these aren’t really the ones damping the fire... In my case, what effectively extinguishes the fire of service is knowing that some people are not doing their part. There are people who stopped excelling. There are people who do not take service seriously and yet they seem to be the ones who are being ‘blessed.’ Life truly is unfair.
Finding New Spark
I would be lying if I say that my spiritual life was never affected by the three consecutive miscarriages. By the time we counted three losses, I admit there was a rift between me and God. If going right back to activity worked after the first loss, it lost all effectivity in losses 2 and 3. It seemed at the time that God probably enjoyed testing us and wanted to see how much more we can endure.
While the record still says we are childless, broke and not getting any younger, we try to appreciate the good things God also allowed to happen. It’s not all bad after all. I still do not understand why this happened to us. Why did we have to lose all three of them? It’s a question in my heart that keeps begging to be answered. But it seems wounds do heal with time.
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