The Big Chop

Between self-harm and having a haircut, which would you prefer?

I believe that our actions and our appearances are only manifestations of what is going on within us.

I have sported many looks over the years, most of them classified under the "pretty", "glamorous", or "safe" category. I have had my hair straightened, curled, but never colored. I've experimented with cutting my own bangs too. The shortest haircut I've had is an asymmetrical bob. It's unusual to have hair that's short on one side and long on the other but I think it worked.

It's really hard to pinpoint the reason for having to transition to a new look. Sometimes it's just a spontaneous thing. Upon observation, the more stressed I am, the more tempted I am to cut my hair. My hair receives the punishment, it seems.

This idea of going pixie is always dismissed because of, you know, the usual reasons: the Bible wanting women to have long hair, the church, my husband not allowing it, other people's opinions... I never really entertained the idea until the morning I decided to chop my hair off.

Not many people know how much I'm struggling with the long term effects of recurrent miscarriages, and the trauma from past events all combined. Even my husband who I live with do not fully understand the situation. Whenever I experience nightmares, I experience it alone. He's helping in every way he can but he cannot carry my burden for me.

I wish women like me could receive more support without the unsolicited advice. I wish there was proper counsel aside from the promise of people "praying for our recovery". I wish in the past, there were people I could openly talk to without being judged.

I've done what the Bible says. I've been reading it, praying, attending the online worship, serving in the ministry. Unfortunately, these did very little to alleviate my grief. I know I should be joyful being saved and serving God but the fact remains that He took my children from me. I am grateful for a lot of things but how can I forget about what He decided of my children? This remains my internal conflict.

Faith did nothing to prevent fate.

I just want you to know that I am longing for my children more and more each day. I did everything I could to keep them alive. I begged God with every fiber of my being to let my children live. I find no reason or purpose for these losses.

I am not new to the idea of self-harm but I'm no longer sixteen, therefore the hair gets the ire. My skin will scar when I cut it, but my hair will grow back in time. Please tell me, after losing my children, that I get to wear my unpretty hairstyle of choice as a consolation.