This is why sharing is hard.

It's been more than a year since I posted. I feel really strange writing this now. This may be more "brain dump" or rant than article. I've forgotten how therapeutic writing is. It's a coping mechanism to what has been going on. Please bear with me.

You'll never really know how people will respond until after you've said what needs to be said. It's difficult to be open about problems and struggles when there is little trust and a large possibility of judgment.

This year, we had a very enlightening discussion about respecting other people's boundaries. Walls, windows and doors symbolize the level of privacy or openness when this topic was discussed. The time it was presented the ladies in our group were kind enough to share their own experiences which led to better understanding on how we can build each other up instead of unknowingly discouraging others with our words.

As a person, you can't help but build up walls and it's clear people should not be crossing them. There are issues and problems you never bear in public. There are topics you'd rather not talk about. Other people need to respect that. 

As for windows, you may view but not enter. This represents that things we may or may not be comfortable talking about. We control what is visible to others while still keeping some things for ourselves. Kapag pumasok sa bintana, "akyat-bahay" ang tawag doon. (We know the ones who enter through the windows are the unwanted/uninvited kind.) Because any decent person enters through the door and you decide who to let in.

I wish there is another opportunity to discuss this with a greater number of audience in the future.

TRIGGER WARNING: Trauma, Depression, Suicide

If you are negatively affected by these, please stop reading.

While I'm very vocal about mental health struggles and our past experiences of loss, (just scroll through the archives of this blog and the many times I talked about it to raise awareness), there are still things I'm not keen on posting on social media or here. We still need to reach out to friends for counsel or to simply share how we feel.

I'm okay most days, but there are days when symptoms of trauma and depression are manifesting themselves. Nakalimutan na ng mga tao na grabe ang nangyari sa amin. (People have forgotten what happened to us.) 

The root of the trauma is something that happened even before the miscarriages. I don't know if I'll ever be ready to tell anyone what happened then. My fourth miscarriage was the most traumatic experience so far. The memories haunt me to this day. If there is a silver lining to this, my husband is really helpful and supportive during difficult days.

The thing is my mind is so occupied with work and church tasks there should not be room for these symptoms but they find their way somehow. It's like working but with additional burdens weighing you down and leaving you more drained and exhausted. The truth is you can be active in church, pray and read the Bible and still get depressed. Bible characters have experienced it. Being human, we are prone to it. This is why we need to reach out to someone and unload these burdens. It's never wrong asking for help if you really need it.

Yesterday, I opened a door to someone.

I told him I was really struggling.

I got a "thumbs up" for it. 

via GIPHY

I keep wondering if it is a 👍 for being honest, or a 👍 for "I see you have a problem but other people have worse problems" dismissal response. An "Let's pray for it." would have been nice. Instead of comfort, I felt confusion and frustration. Wow! I really regret opening up to that person.

Just to give a little context, Typhoon Odette made it's landfall this week. According to the news the typhoon caused massive damage and there are casualties. I do sympathize with some of our friends who are affected by this. 

When I shared my typhoon-unrelated problem, I didn't mean to take the attention from this event and from other people who need prayers and assistance. It slipped because I was exhausted and having a really hard time. I felt like I can trust the person I am talking to. You'll realize it doesn't take a lot to be understanding and supportive.

What happened to "rejoice or weep with one another"?

Our society is great in saying condolences to bereaved families but ignore those who are waltzing closer to their graves. When a person opens up to you about considering ending his/her life would you tell her "Christians do not think that way" or the classic "Have more faith"? If that's still the case maybe death by suicide makes a more compelling statement after all.

Like I said, an "I'll pray for you" could have been the best response, not "ok", not 👍.

When a person opens the door to his/her personal problems, it means trust and dependence. Don't listen just to make comparison or judgment. Don't say "That person is handling his problem much better than you." Don't underestimate what that person is going through. Don't make them regret reaching out to you.

Pray for the person even when you think his/her problem is insignificant compared to what other people are experiencing. Even when you think that problem is not legit at least assure them of a prayer. It takes a lot of courage being honest about our real situation. We are not strong all of the time that's why we need to ask support from one another. 

Remind me not to tell him anything personal ever again. Here's a 👎.