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Goodbye, My Tiny Jellybean.


We should really be in the camp. I'm not used to being somewhere else during the Holy Week. I've been attending the yearly church camp since 1999. This is my first, and hopefully my last absence.

What if we attended? I imagine people asking me about the pregnancy and I would have to lie about my condition. If we attended, while I'm already spotting and cramping, it's most likely that I will miscarry in the camp site and be rushed to the nearest hospital (which is about 45 minutes to an hour away). We didn't want to burden the other campers. Sunday pa nga lang I was already giving off negative vibes. That kind of attitude doesn't deserve to be in the camp.

Only a few know about what's happening. We couldn't even tell friends from the church yet. Even our new cashier, also a church mate, didn't know I was miscarrying. We didn't want to distract them. We want them to enjoy the camp without having to worry about us. All they know is that I wasn't cleared to travel. I felt guilty lying to them.


We met with the OB last Monday. I was scheduled for a D&C last Wednesday. Sakto. That's Day 1 of camp. Dati excited ako mag-impake for church camp. This time, I'm packing a bag to be admitted to the hospital. 

- TMI WARNING! -

I was already cramping and bleeding when we got to the hospital. THE CRAMPS WERE WORSE THAN DYSMENORRHEA! In the scale of 1 to 10, the lowest is 1 and the highest is 10, dysmenorrhea would be 5-6 and miscarriage cramping ranges from 7-8. (I'm reserving 9-10 to labor contractions.) The pain wasn't just in the puson where the uterus is. There's pain in my hips and lower back too, at some point the pain would even extend to the legs. Roy and I would hold hands whenever the cramping would happen. It was still manageable without medication but it's tempting to ask for meds. They're the worst cramps I have experienced to date!

Last week pa ako iyak ng iyak. Crying will not bring the baby to life. We just tried to cheer each other up, goof around, be our usual selves. Dyahe din kasi umiyak sa ER.

We were sent to the ward at 4PM. There were no other patients so it felt like we rented a private room. Roy told me it's the exact same room we were in last year, only in a different cubicle (yung katapat nung dati).

- WARNING! MORE TMI! -

Clots! I panicked for a second when I saw the blood coming out, whole chunks of them. We all know that menstruation is gross but this is a whole new level of creepy!

At 5PM I was in the operating room. I was thinking, "Here we go again...." It's best to remain prayerful and not worry.

One of the nurses turned on an FM radio. It was loud. They said the music was supposed to make me relax, as if I could hear it. Come on! I was going to be sedated! They asked if my hemoglobin was normal. Maputla daw kasi ako. The OB assured them na maputi lang ako, that's just my natural skin tone. The anaesthesiologist injected something in the IV. That's the last thing I remember.

I woke up at 8PM, still groggy. A quick prayer of thanksgiving. The second thing I did was to check if I had underwear. (In my last D&C Roy forgot to put it on and I bled through the bed sheet.) There's no more cramping. I woke up really hungry but I waited for an hour to eat dinner, just making sure I'm fully conscious.


Fun fact! They brought me back to the room at 6:30 PM. According to Roy, I kept asking him what time it was. I don't remember anything from the time I was sedated until 8PM. That means binibwisit ko lang siya while unconscious. Hahahaha! LOL so hard when he told me this the next morning.

- There's even more TMI. Continue reading at your own risk. -

The OB passed by the ward. She told me they were able to get the tiny baby out, still intact. Part of me wanted to see him/her, but I decided not to. We originally planned to bury the baby then plant flowers on top of his/her grave, but before we can do that we need to take home his/her body in a jar (And maybe preserve the body in the fridge until we can bury him/her. This is the stuff horror movies are made of.) I mentioned the idea to my mother and she was totally crept out.

Roy actually saw him/her and he described his/her body as a tiny lump of flesh in a jar. He also saw the placenta. By the time the OB told me about my baby's body it was already rotting away. Maybe I'm too scared to see his/her state. I'll just think about how happy he/she is in heaven right now. Imagining him/her as a tiny jellybean would be a much better memory.

- No more TMI here. - 

I was cleared to go home the very next day. There seems to be no complications. Just hours after the procedure, I can already move and walk without assistance. It seems my recovery is faster than in my last D&C. I'm hoping to achieve full recovery by next month.

Physical healing takes about a week. Emotional and spiritual healing would take a lot more time. For now, I just take a deep breath and acknowledge that God allowed this to happen and that there is a purpose. Why focus on this one tragedy when I still have a lot to thank Him for?

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