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Real Talk | I'm Stuck

What do you plan to do this weekend?

What I'm actually doing...

I wonder how it got to this point. Life used to be interesting. Now I go through everyday sifting through mundane thoughts like how many items I can fit the washing machine or what meal I should cook. It's ironic because for as long as I can remember, I wanted the home life. Now I loathe being a housewife almost as much as I loathed commuting to the office before I quit and went freelance. 

Maybe this is left-over depression from my last miscarriage
Maybe it's the honeymoon phase wearing out.


Overall, I feel stuck in this situation: no kids, no projects, no salary... I volunteered with the business I know little about. I've given my full support without getting anything. This is so far from how I imagined things to be and I'm so disappointed. I didn't want to focus on the things I do not have, but lately, the magnitude of my misfortunes overwhelm me.

To be honest I have feelings I don't even want to entertain for the fear of being judged. This is why a journal is handy. When my husband attributed my feelings to hormonal imbalance I eventually stopped sharing. He didn't want to deal with them. I can't blame him. My family tried for two decades and they still couldn't figure me out. Hello there, journal! 

Everyday is more about financial survival, less about actually being together. Dates have been replaced by grocery shopping or surprise dinner with his parents. Movie nights do not happen anymore. Business has overtaken our relationship and if we're not careful, we'll turn into strangers soon enough. I know the spark dies eventually, but I never thought it would die on us after a year.

I wish I can go back to this article and ask "What was I thinking," then laugh at the absurdity of it.

I wish.

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